The activities we did in Ondrej’s class felt more comfortable than yesterday, especially the partner activity that one person has to close their eyes and the other has to lead them to move to other space in the room. Yesterday, some classmates said that they felt relaxed, to a point where they forgot that there were other people in the room. I definitely did not feel the same way; I was walking with stiff feet, awkward posture, and tense shoulders and I was very alert to my surroundings—even my partner’s foot startled me. But today, I was able to release the tension so the music in the background actually came into my attention, replacing the constant worries of bumping into foreign objects or people. I could sway my shoulders to the melody and let my body swing to the rhythm. A feeling of fear was still present but in a much less degree. At some moments, it felt as if I was floating alone in space, like the scene from La La Land when Mia and Sebastian beautifully dance in the dark sky, surrounded by twinkling stars. It was liberating. My movements gained more fluidity and I was less conscious of the people around me. When I dance, I usually perform and the feelings I have on stage are often the opposite of how I felt today—nervous, conscious, scared, and insecure. This activity reminded me of how dance should really feel, that even when performing, I should try to focus less on showcasing a choreography in the most perfect and accurate way as possible, but instead connect with the music and let my body naturally respond to it in the form of movements.

Today, I also felt more comfortable dancing Professor Harrell’s choreography, ‘It is Thus’. The readings and discussions during class allowed me to develop a more nuanced understanding of the choreography and dancing as a whole. As I previously mentioned, I am used to dancing for the sake of performing, to show the beauty of movements in a rather one-dimensional manner. However, Professor Harrell constantly highlights how each movement gains significance from its purpose of delivering a message. Today, walking, gazing, posing, and even breathing with purpose came more naturally than yesterday. I felt my insecurity about how I look while dancing fade away a little because I was aware that conveying the purpose of the choreography to critique and transcode stereotypes is more important.

The main idea of the class discussion today was the difference between sex and gender. I thought I had a quite solid understanding of it until Professor Levine asked us to define it and when I heard Bunny say that the definition, especially of gender, has been morphed throughout time. Defining sex was easy because it is biological and anatomically so there is a more tangible form of knowledge with a clear-cut difference between the two sexes. However, defining gender was significantly more challenging. Daniel explained the concept of gender through Judith Butler’s words, that repeated performance of certain characteristics is understood as gender over time. Another similar definition was also proposed, which was ‘codes reified by performance’. The repeated motif of performance was confusing to me because I questioned whether every action we take can be considered a performance. In some aspects, I agree that the term is appropriate. For example, if I wear a skirt, I would sit with my knees close to each other in public to be modest. However, I would not at home, because it is uncomfortable. Is sitting comfortably with legs open also a performance? Even without any intention to appear ‘masculine’? What about the actions we take when there is no ‘audience’ for the ‘performance’? I still struggle to decipher the ambiguous term performance. I hope that my understanding develops over more readings and discussions.