On Friday, there was one particular moment that struck me during Ondrej’s movement class. Yuki and I were partners for the pair lead and follow exercise but the feeling during the exercise was much deeper than what I had expected it to be. This time Yuki and I were partners with the only difference between us being that she had her eyes closed and I had mine open. However, we both had to respond to each other’s movements, especially as the leader, since we still had to protect the follower from possible collision. The first time I was the leader, I was less free because I was thinking of my movements and constantly concentrating on the other couples, so we would not collide. When I was the follower, I was freer but I still felt as though I was holding back, perhaps because I felt as though there was not enough space so I limited myself. When we switched again and I was the follower for the second, a weird phenomenon came over me. It was the final time that we switched and I was physically exhausted, yet this exhaustion made me push myself further because I did not mind the people watching. I think this was because I was too tired to care. I moved in a way that felt natural and extremely freeing since I felt like I had space around me and someone to protect me from possible harm.

Previously, in ballroom dancing, I knew that I could trust my partner, if I, was the female dancer, could close my eyes and still follow all the movements instinctually through the other person’s movements. This feeling of trust and freedom was replicated in class but it was even more freeing because there were no specific steps or limitations. To me, it felt like we were this organically moving entity that moved naturally and not because we were following some agenda. Another thing I noticed was that I explored many more options because of this exhaustion. The first two times were more about running and moving quickly through the space, but this exhaustion forced me to slow down, to take a breath, and relax in the moment. This then also led to experimentation with using only one hand and then also different levels. The limitation put on my body was my exhaustion but, counterintuitively to me, it helped me delve deeper into following my impulses and just letting go. By not acknowledging my surroundings, specifically the audience, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted to, knowing that there was someone to protect me. To have someone so dedicated to you, even only for a dance, is something that we don’t often experience, which made this feeling even more remarkable.

I remember feeling like I wanted to stop, lay down, and breathe, but also keep going as to relish this feeling of safety and freedom. Although I did not stop, the pacing shifted from running to almost slow-dancing because of this physical intensity. When we were moving around the room and I had my eyes closed, it felt like I didn’t exist in time because I was so in the moment that it felt like time stopped but also that time was passing more quickly. It seems weird to write this down in such a manner but it felt like it. It is almost as if it passed more quickly because when we were told to stop, it seemed as though we had just started. It felt like time stopped because there was nothing except for darkness and movement; no schedules or clocks to abide by. I think the exhaustion enhanced this feeling immensely because I felt disappointed that our dance was over, but also relieved because I would not have been able to continue much longer.

Looking back at how I felt, I think my brain was too preoccupied with processing how my body felt to think consciously about my next movement and what this movement looked like to the audience. This then helped to free me from self-consciousness and allowed me to be myself with such physical authenticity to free my mind from having to process the following steps. I just followed Yuki and she followed me, without discussion or thinking. We were in the moment, connected through our bodies and movements. I have not felt like that in a long time and I think it will take some time until I feel like that again, so I treasure that experience because I think it allowed me to let go of some of my inhibitions and just follow my body without thinking too much.