I feel like I may have gone backward instead of forward. This is in relation to the leader/follower exercise with our eyes closed. Today, we added in the idea of a more balanced relationship, rather than a strict leader and a strict follower, just moving blindly based on where the leader takes them. Today, we were able to lean on the “leader”, rely on them to support our movements, but still recognize that their sight made them a valuable leader. I don’t know why but I really struggled with this. I was a lot tenser than I usually am during this exercise. It was a bit discouraging to not feel free or comfortable enough in my own body to let myself go and fall into a dance with mutuality with my partner. My partner was great, I felt safe to dance how I wanted to, but my own limitation was within myself. Maybe it is because of a cold still manifesting itself in me or my rampant headache during class. Anyway, I’m hoping that if we do this exercise again, I am more willing to embrace the dance and not worry about whatever is holding me back.

As for my title, I’m not sure if “Failure” is the best word for this. I also considered “Counterpoint” and “Limitation” but after talking to my friends, we clarified that a limitation is not regression and a counterpoint is something completely different. A failure implies not only a lack of improvement, but some actual regression. In the case of the leader/follower exercise, I definitely feel as if I failed. If I didn’t fail in the point of the exercise, I definitely failed my own expectations for how I want to embrace this class.

I am no longer discouraged by this failure. Instead, I accept that it was a momentary failure. Instead of focusing on this, I will think about the amazing class with Trajal and the other great aspects of Ondrej’s class. While this exercise may not have been successful, there were many other successes in the class, such as my look, the flocking exercise (which was difficult and frustrating at times, but still insightful and successful), and reading about Martha Graham. All of these things went great for me! Even preparing for the next assignment, I felt confident about my decision to start with research rather than movement. It is important for me to remember that the leader/follower exercise was just one moment of weakness in an overall successful day.