That we are being watched is fearful. When a set of movements that I have prepared for a long time is observed, I know what the audience will see and therefore I have the responsibility of the nervousness. Everyday, as we develop our accumulation piece, we grow immune to the fact that we have an increasing number of people watching us. Although at first, I was embarrassed to showcase my choreography, my muscles getting tense with each move, I became much comfortable with turning and raising the yellow styrofoam by the end of yesterday. Compared to the feeling of relief at the end of each performance the first few times I performed, yesterday, I could coldly analyze and reflect on the movements of my limbs. It was similar for It Is Thus. I cannot clearly remember how I felt the first time I learned the dance, I recall that I felt extremely awkward and nervous to strike the pose, protruding my hip to one side while gazing superiorly at the empty wall. I could not even eye contacts with anyone although we were explicitly told to do so. Yet, yesterday, I felt the confidence in my muscles while I emphasized the ankle movement. My pose became much natural and the gaze was directed at Professor Levine. That the audience exist was an unchanging factor. Yet, as the time passed, my response to their existence in front of me changed.

However, when a set of movements is not solidified and is prone to change with each trial, I panic. This is what happened to me during yesterday’s leading-and-following exercise – where the follower closes their eyes and follows the leader trusting only the two hands. Ondrej told us to be as creative as possible and even “go crazy” with the magnitude, direction, diversity, and velocity of movement. He added a new component of choreography to the exercise by telling the followers to almost dance as we entrust our hands to the leader. This was stressful for me. I knew that a large number of students had some dancing experience and could dance well – whatever ‘to dance’ means. On the other hand, I, first time moving my body in such gracious and choreographed way, had no idea what it meant ‘dance,’ when Ondrej told us to do so. I tried my best at shaking my body, skipping, running, switching foot, and waving my hands. Yet my being conscious of the audience watching me staggered me from being natural or even feeling comfortable. It was not the first time that we did such exercise. However, the spontaneousness of it as well as the crowd of observers constantly puts me in a spot of nervousness during the exercise. It is not to say that the exercise is not enjoyable. There were times that I could ignore all surrounding and be myself in the moment. Yesterday was not like that and thus I respond as such.