Teagan turned, and it was my turn to become the leader. I had already been the leader of the group at the very beginning. When I was the leader the first time, I started the group with a set of simple movements: walking, running, and stopping, for example. For I am not good with incorporating hands into exercises, I did my best in guiding my group around the room and exploring boundaries of simple movements. When others became the leader, it was a different story. Eliza started to make me dance – in a variety of style, too – while Teagan suddenly made us run from one end of the room to the other end. After having experienced this diversity of movement, I froze when Teagan turned toward my direction and I saw no leader I could follow. My group looked desperately at me, expecting development of our movement catalog. Yet I walked around the room. My hands were down and my speed was constant. The moment of hesitation that I observed in me, as soon as I received leadership the second time was interesting.

When we all entered the costume shop, I saw thousands of women’s dresses before my eyes. Woven from colors I have never seen and with materials I have never experienced, the costume shop was filled with clothes I would never see again. I was hesitant in choosing any clothes because, firstly, I have never chosen a dress for myself, but more importantly, I like to keep my clothes simple and tidy and there was no such cloth as simple toga. My colleagues, upon entering the same shop, seemed like children in candy shop, picking up all fancy garments within arm’s reach. In the middle of excited fancy-cloth shopping, I felt very lonely, without anyone to talk to. Everyone was enjoying the perfect morning in the costume shop while I swiped through a thousand dresses with flairs and laces. I was afraid that I was not enjoying or devoting myself to the moment. I was also afraid that when my time came for presentation, my cloth would be the simplest, and the most boring presentation among all. At the end, I picked three items that I wanted to experiment with, and which are my style, and surprisingly, enjoyed the experience. Yet, the fear and hesitation in the workshop was very real.

I think that, during any seminars, when there is a component of discussion, you feel obligated to speak out to either participate or show to the instructor that I have done the reading. I, too, spoke out and contributed an insignificant amount of input during the debate on cultural appropriation. My comment on white k-pop idols was a personal example that I thought would be useful to the class in building another dimension to the debate. Thinking back, the obligation to participate might have been the driving force for me to put up my hands. I thought of the k-pop idol example sometime before I put my hand up. I knew that the article I read a few days ago was related to the topic and I felt I have not spoken for a long time. The discussion on mimesis was continuing and I could not see the connection between k-pop idols and the current topic of debate. I waited until the perfect time, when I could finally pull the debate toward myself. Yet, when I did, due to the lack of natural transition, my comment felt out of place and forced, like my drive to put up my hands. The feeling of obligation to participating in debate felt very interesting.