There was a reason for why I did not want to be the first person to walk down the runway, namely that I was not prepared. However, I decided to just walk and let the thoughts come as soon as I arrived at the end, facing the audience. There they sat: a professor, choreographer, dancer, two teaching assistants. All of them had higher status than me in some shape or form and I felt the pressure of having to put my thoughts and feelings into words, which came out as incoherent phrases. Then came Trajal’s question: “What about mourning?” Up until this point, I thought I was doing fine, not great, but fine. But then there is something that initiates confrontation. Today, it was not a confrontation with Trajal, but rather a confrontation with myself. I had to think on my feet and quickly said that it was because my pants and shoes are black. This was a passable answer but then the worst part came. I rushed off and said sorry. I went to the side and just shook my head, replaying the last thirty seconds of failure. But that is just what happens if you are put in an unfavorable situation. Most likely it will not go as planned. However, there are a few things I have learned that I need to work on from this experience.

I have to learn to find comfort in the uncomfortable. I noticed how in all of the seminar classes until the last one, I was quiet, although I had many examples and other information I could have added. But even when I spoke in these last two sessions, it was accompanied by nervosity, which manifested itself in my rapid speech, closed-off body language and a weird feeling of stage fright. I don’t know why this happens to me in class and not on stage, but I think that it may be because I don’t feel worth listening to or that everything I could say has already been said or thought so there is no need to utter it. This was also the feeling I had when having to present my look. I chose the clothing because it felt right. There was no specific reason, rather these clothes just intrigued me and pulled me in. Having to formulate this attraction into thoughts on the spot was challenging and this was then portrayed in my subpar explanation of my costume.

If it was only the lacking quality of the explanation, I would just learn from the situation and build up confidence, but the worst part was feeling guilty and verbalize my embarrassment by saying sorry. Going back to Fundamentals of Acting, Catherine told us to never feel sorry for something we do, but to own up to it and learn from it. It saddens me that this is a trait I have, although it has improved a lot over the past year. Yet, it still shines through at times, especially when it comes from an uncomfortable situation like the runway explanation today. This miserable feeling carried through the entire class time, ending with me taking in the others’ choreographies but feeling that mine was wrong, almost something I should apologize for. I caught myself in that thought and decided that I am done with feeling sorry. I am not completely changing my choreography because someone else had a different interpretation than me. I am refining it because I was inspired by their interpretations.

Throughout this J-Term, I want to continue working on this nervosity, as well as feelings of guilt whenever something does not turn out the way I want it to. I generally deal well with constructive criticism, but ever since the last week of the last semester, I felt as if whatever I do was not good enough because all my work was critiqued until there seemed to be nothing left. I think I have not quite shrugged off this feeling yet, which is why I feel a bit worried about performing my choreographies. It feels like someone is criticizing your “baby”, this work that you have invested so much time and energy creating and someone is tearing it to shreds. Although this interpretation might seem dramatized, that is what it feels like to me if I feel truly passionate about something that I created, whether theater, film, or dance. I just want to make something that is appreciated and I think it takes a lot of failures to reach such a point.